Boys, I done kilt me a dinosar! The undefeated Raptors fell, the Heat barely made it to room temperature, and the Bulls fucking won! I even found footage of the event.
What a fuckin' week, eh boys? This is the first time so far that I've actually wanted to recount the games. Everyone but the Miami Tepid Bathwater and the New York Pizza's had game of the week candidates. We had comebacks and heartbreak, we had upsets, we had a return to glory, and what could be the beginning of a fall from grace. And guess what??? I'm gonna cover it all. 
First up...
Holy fucking shit balls. The Cleveland Browns Chicago Bulls just beat the Patriots Charlotte Hornets. Like, I don't have words. I'm sure Logan was expecting to get lambasted over this, but Jesus Fucking Christ what happened? Were you too distracted by War Games and Survivor Series man? Kudos to Kris for wanting to prove he wasn't a bye week, but damn. Maybe it wasn't that bad,hold on let me check our power ran....Nope, yeah, he's ranked last and the Hornets are were ranked first... It's that bad. Good news is that this proves anything can happen. The bad news is that anything can happen. And happen it did! After both teams came out of the gate strong on night one, the Hornets had a solid lead. However, a small Tuesday slate proved to be just the opportunity Kris needed to take the lead in night two. Night three was a close contest with only a 3.5 point difference which allowed Kris to end night 3 with a .5 point lead over Logan. Neither team was able to take advantage of yet another small slate on Thursday, but allowed Logan to take a meager 15 point lead heading into Friday. Another night, another close score, as the Bulls eek out Friday with a score of 255.5-251.5. Logan was barely holding on at this point with only 11 points separating him and total humiliation. He needed to win night 6 handily and put this game away. Win it, he did, but not by enough. He managed to pad his lead by another 14 points, so if you kiddies are keeping score at home the Hornets are up by 25, leading 947.5- 922.5. Game 7 would decide it. The Charlotte Hornets nursing a small lead with 6 players headed by star Center Nikola Jokic, and The Chicago Bulls with 7 players headed by a Wall-less Bradley Beal. The Bulls and Hornets would both need a solid night, and with everything at stake, the Hornets fell apart. Against a Lakers team that allows almost 55 fantasy points per game to the Center position, and in a game where Paul Millsap exited in the first half, Jokic laid a turd. 6 Points and 6 Rebounds against the Lakers? Are you fucking kidding me? Brook Lopez doesn't even know how to spell defense, let alone play it. I guess it's kismet that Kris owned Brook Lopez for this game, because he went above average for 37 points to Jokic's absurdly disappointing 18.5. This performance would sum up Logan's night as none of his players managed to crack the 30 point mark, while 5 of Kris' 7 players managed to hit 30 or better. The night ended 217.5-131.5, giving the Bulls the game.set.and match. They always say the first win is the hardest, and now that Kris has had a taste, I'm sure he's hungry for #2. He'll get his chance against a reeling Trailblazer squad who's lost 2 straight and is desperate to never fall to the bottom of the ranks again. Meanwhile, Logan, who is also on an 0-2 run, faces me, who is currently on an 4-0 run, it should be a match to watch, especially since I may have lost John Wall, Tim Hardaway Jr., and Paul Millsap for an indeterminate period of time.
Comeback of the Week
For those of you that only pay attention to your own teams, and not everything else going on week to week, you may have missed this game. I mean it's the Rockets losing, that's not unusual. Right? Well, except that for most of the week, the Rockets were winning. The Rockets won nights 1,3,and 5 by a difference of 191.5 points! You may then ask, what the fuck went wrong? Well friends, I'll tell you. Better yet, let me show you with a potato.
He may hate me for it, but I think it's his own fault. Now granted, he had some shitty nights from some of his players later in the week, but he had 4/7 acquisitions. That's the same as leaving points on the bench. Am I saying, if he used all 7, he would have won? No, but what I am saying is, they lost by less than 50 points, and any 3 players combined on a given night can attain that, go a step further and imagine if he had picked up a player who had a game on more than 1 night that he was missing players, and that's easy to make up. I think that after night 1 and night 3, the Rockets got comfortable, and that cost them, because little did he know, the Spurs ain't nothin' to fuck with. The Rocket's are a much better team their record suggests (6th in points scored(500 more than the Spurs), 1st in points against), and anyone that thought the Spurs would win this match-up handily, haven't been paying attention. But the Spurs are on a mission, and they've made the moves necessary to overcome most obstacles in this league. I know the Rockets are salty after that loss, and it's a long season, but the time to right the ship is now for the Rockets, and they will have that chance against a very beatable Knicks team in week 6, and if I know anything about Beau, it's that he knows how to take down some pizza. Week 6 has another test for the Spurs as they take on the 4-1 Raptors. The Spurs are looking for their 3rd straight win, and acknowledgment as a top contender, while the Raptors will look to prove their first loss was merely a setback on their road to the championship.
Blowout of the Week
It all started with a post.
Both teams sitting at 1-win were talking a big game. Then the potato happened.
We all laughed. Savage AF.
The Heat apparently let too much of that 'steam' loose, and by the end of the week, weren't even hot enough to reheat Bobby's cold pizza. The Knicks blew out the Heat 1193-902.5, which, to be fair is a pretty shitty blowout, every other game just happened to be closer. But Miami had the highest point scorer of the week in DeMar DeRozan, so he's got that going for him, which is nice. The Heat will more than likely begin to reach subzero temperatures in week 6 against the Minnesota JoeyWolves, while the Knicks will try to reach 3 wins by clogging up the Rockets boosters with some old pizza.
Don't Call it a Comeback
Joey after night 7,"Man, that was a close call, I almost lost my third straight game, Matt Parlier's team is no joke."
Matt after night 7,"Fuck me, not again, of course Joey fucking beat me."
Matt after night 7,"Fuck me, not again, of course Joey fucking beat me."
In what's becoming a biannual league tradition, The Timberwolves came from behind to beat the Trailblazers in what has to be the biggest heart-breaker for Matt in the Dynasty era, and increases Joey's wins to 5-0 in the meetings.
Posting a 241-78.5 night on Saturday must have felt amazing, but going into Sunday with the lead guarantees nothing. And unfortunately for Portland, I'm sure any elation soon dissipated as soon as he looked at Sunday's lineup. Matt simply ran out of players, and only had 3 to go up against a full slate from Minnesota. For Joey, this was a much needed win that stemmed the bleeding from an 0-2 slide. For Matt, this was more a matter of personal pride than record, as I feel he wants to beat Joey as badly as Beau wants to beat me. Either way, things aren't looking good, as the Trailblazers have gone from 3-0 to 3-2 while only being 5th in points scored and 9th in points against. The Trailblazers have a tricky match-up in week 6 where they'll look to Stop the Flop when they face the Bulls, who on one hand are 1-4, while on the other, just defeated the Hornets. It's a must-win situation for both teams, but especially the Trailblazers, where the competition in the west is much stiffer. Joey, on the other hand, will look to start a run by cooling down the already tepid Heat, shouldn't take more than an ice cube or two.
If I learned one thing this week, it's you can't count the Raptors out. Ever. I held a 200 point lead for most of the week, including the only 300 point night in the league for the week. Night 1-4 went by swimmingly, then night 5, Bradley started to mount a comeback, winning consecutive nights back to back, including a crushing 236-96.5 Saturday. Going into Sunday I only had a 20 point lead, John Wall was declared out for Sunday's game, and I only had a 1-player advantage over Bradley's Raptors. For the first time all week, I thought,"I.could.lose.this." As the games started, fear took hold, Bradley passed me. I didn't check the score again until the last games started, I wanted to holdout hope for as long as possible, but I didn't feel good about it. Allen Crabbe went for 33, DeMarre Carroll for 34.5, Bogdanovic for 34, ALL OF HIS GUYS WERE GOING OFF...Then my steal of the year, Andre Drummond, and TJ Warren started showing up in the 2nd half, going for 55 and 47.5 respectively. I retook the lead heading into the 10:30 game, where he had Brandon Ingram remaining and I had Paul Millsap and Julius Randle. Millsap went for 14 fantasy points in the first quarter, then left the game with an injury, a comeback was unlikely at this point, but if one thing is for certain in this game, it's never say never. However, thankfully for me, on this night, Julius Randle was outplaying Brandon Ingram and kept my lead intact to win 1341-1282, not only upsetting the Raptors by handing them their first loss, but also becoming the first and only team to break the 6000 point mark on the season. The Toronto Drakes have a tough match this week as they face the Up-and-coming Spurs, who'd like to cement their contender status with a win over the #1 seed. My Pelicans, too, have a rough go-ahead against the Hornets who are on an 0-2 skid and will look to resume winning sooner, rather than later.
Looking Ahead:
Match-ups to watch in Week 6
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